


The Amazing Maurice and his Apprentice Patrician

by Deathsmallcaps



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:27:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22138576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathsmallcaps/pseuds/Deathsmallcaps
Summary: Set soon after the end of ‘The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents’, Maurice and his new stupid looking kid find the perfect opportunity to make the kid Lord Mayor of Ankh-Morpork.
Kudos: 4





	The Amazing Maurice and his Apprentice Patrician

"I need to send a message to Bad Blintz!" The cat told the goblin in a garbled voice.

The goblin looked around.

There was a sigh. “Down here.” The cat said, somehow managing a dejected tone despite his unclear words. “You’d think someone as short as goblin wouldn’t have to be told that.” he mumbled. 

The goblin looked down. Most people didn't come to the literal clacks tower itself to send a message, much less cats. Much as he liked cats*, he was not very pleased at seeing someone right now. He had the biggest message of his life coming through straight from the Ankh-Morpork Patrician's office, and it was express. Plus, all the other messages were piling up.

*especially with a bit of pepper.

The goblin barked to his subordinate, “Song in the Mountains, take care of this cat. I'm busy.”

“Yes, of the Magnet who attracts Iron.” The younger goblin went to pick up the cat, but stopped once she saw the look on his face. 

“I have money, if that's what you were worrying about,” the cat said. It coughed for a moment, then spat out a silver piece, smacking its lips to get out the grimy taste. The little goblin picked it up and shoved it into her pocket. “What you want?” She asked gruffly.

“I need to send a message to Bad Blintz, in Uberwald.”

The goblin pulled out a sheet of paper. Maurice dictated. “Dear Dangerous Beans and Keith, how is Bad Blintz? Stop. Hope it is doing well. Stop. I am moving back to Ankh-Morpork to the old house in the spring. Stop. Found a new investment. Stop. Will write later about progress. Stop. Still have to teach the kid to read and speak Morporkian. Stop. He barely knows how to read his own language, so it may be awhile. Stop. Sincerely, Maurice. Stop.”

Song in the Mountains finished scribbling it down, and, after rereading it to Maurice to make sure it was accurate, asked, “Dangerous Beans?” while raising an eyebrow.

“He’s not a human, he’s a talking rat.” Maurice said defensively. “He learned to read before he knew what it meant and decided he liked the sound of it.”

“Alright. Song in the Mountains will send it to Uberwald, to Bad Blintz. She will make sure it is sent. Yes.” Without pausing for breath, the goblin asked ‘Why do you talk?”

“I ate a talking rat. The rat ate magic. The end. Can you send it now? I need to get going before rush hour.” Maurice said impatiently.

Song in the Mountains ignored his question. “You came up here to send your message. Why?”

“Because when a cat tries to pay for a message in the clacks office, it either gets its tail trod on and then gets shooed away or people start screaming ‘It's a talking cat! Catch it!’ And then chase it away. My boy doesn’t speak Morporkian or Uberwaldean, anyway. The clacks office receiving it wouldn’t understand to whom it was addressed. Now can you send it?!” Maurice was extremely agitated. He looked over at of the Magnet who attracts Iron. “And why is he still on that one message? What's going on?”

“The Patrician of Ankh Morpork broke his leg after a guard accidentally bumped him down the stairs. This Song of the Mountains knows. This is what she tells you.”

Maurice hissed, his ears pulled all the way back. He usually didn't care much about politics, but if the Patrician was hurt, that was bad. For everyone, including, most importantly, himself and the economy.Things could get very difficult if the economy plummeted, or even slowed down. Travel was not cheap, especially for cats who were currently low on cash. The only reason he was in this dinky riverside port was because he needed to save up. The kid had been making money as a dockworker and Maurice has been catching birds and such for their dinners.

But then Maurice brightened up. This might actually help my plan, he thought excitedly. He had promised the kid he’d get to be Lord Mayor. Originally, he was thinking about going to some podunk town out in the Shires, or maybe Quirm or Uberwald, and setting him up there. But if I got the kid to be Patrician, I’d be rich!

The voice in the back of his head said, Yes, but wouldn't that be taking advantage of the Patrician’s position?

He replied, I'd merely be helping out the man! He’s getting on in his years, and there’s few in the position right now to take over for the man. Even less who are actually capable, and as far as I can tell none who actually want the job. 

For once, the little voice was silent. 

Taking its unresponsiveness as assent, Maurice shrugged and carefully made his way down the step ladder of the clacks tower. He knew, somewhere in his head, that he only had three lives left, and he wasn’t so young, so he knew he had to stop jumping down high places. Getting old has little benefits, huh, Maurice? He asked himself rhetorically.

The new stupid looking kid looked at the cat steadily. “Thinking about Dangerous Beans again?”

Maurice blinked up at him. “What makes you think I’d do that?” he replied peevishly. Sometimes he forgot that this kid was different than Keith - dumber in some ways, sharper in others. How does he know me so well?

“Cuz you got that look on your face. You know, the one. So where are we going, boss?” The kid replied quickly. 

Maurice sighed. “Let’s just go back to the inn tonight. I have to smooth out some details.”

The kid shifted uneasily. “Uh, Maurice?” He said, acting like the words caused him physical pain. The cat looked at him. “We don’t have enough money to stay there again. I think we’ll have to find a stable or something.”

The cat shot him a glare. “We had enough money last night. We had enough money for three nights, actually. Where has our money gone?” His voice dropped to a rumbly growl with the last word.

The kid winced. “The last ship to get to the city before the Ankh completely sludges up for winter leaves tonight. I had to get tickets while they were still cheap.”

Maurice was about to scream at the kid but then a woman came by. She was staring at Maurice, so he had to shut up. She walked up to the kid. “I think I’ve seen that cat before. Are you a rat piper?” 

The kid glanced over he shoulder to see Maurice shaking his head no, vigorously. If she remembers me from one of my previous … jobs, we could get into some deep crap. “Ah, no. I’m a future politician.” Maurice wished he could smack a paw into his face. 

Luckily, the woman looked the boy up and down and snorted. “Okay. Good luck with that one.” She left, chuckling and heading to a bar. As soon as she was gone, Maurice started up again.

“Kid, we have a solid business here. We have to save up money anyway, to pay for your good clothes and such, AND I have to teach you talk like a native Morporkian. Do you know how hard it is to start a new business in the city? Eighty percent of them fail. Now I’m going to have to use up some of my favors in the city, because SOMEBODY moved up the time table.” He gave a look so pointed it could’ve pierced the Ankh’s sludge.

The kid winced. “We could, uh, not go?”

Maurice rolled his eyes. “Do YOU think we’ll get a refund?” The kid shook his head, shamefaced. Maurice felt a little bad, so he rubbed his head on the kid’s ankles, bare because his pants were too short, and said, “What’s done is done. Grab your stuff, I’ll grab the money. Let’s make sure we aren’t late getting on.” 

They parted, and Maurice began plotting.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a couple years ago, tweaking it every once and a while. The original book holds a special place in my heart - it was my first Terry Pratchett book. Then I saw a writing meme on tumblr and wanted to contribute. This is the only piece of mind I felt like publishing, so here you go :).


End file.
